Misunderstood

Graduation photo

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 18:04:00 +0000

My niece Deisi making that transition from middle school to high school.
She was all smiles and cheerful, she commented on how some of her friends were
crying but she couldn't see why. My brother was all serious and a proud papi snapped picture after picture.

FAULT

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 20:06:00 +0000

Fault

It was not my fault.
I put the effort forth.
It was not my choice.
I gladly accept the decision.
It concludes my faith in karma; mine certainly is bad.
I couldn’t have created or related to the subject 5 years ago.
It is not my fault.
I and you are geological faults.
It we are planar rock fractures, which show evidence of relative movement.
I was in circular movement.
It the relationship counter clockwise rotation.

In geology, a fault or fault line is a planar rock fracture, which shows evidence of relative movement. Large faults within the Earth's crust are the result of shear motion and active fault zones are the causal locations of most earthquakes. Earthquakes are caused by energy release during rapid slippage along faults. The largest examples are at tectonic plate boundaries but many faults occur far from active plate boundaries. Since faults do not usually consist of a single, clean fracture, the term fault zone is used when referring to the zone of complex deformation that is associated with the fault plane.

Thank the GODS its friday

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 21:06:00 +0000

I just want to cry my eyes out.
Rip my eyes out from the sockets; bash myself in the back of the head.
My soul is dark is black.
I can’t bear up under the pressure; I got my foot on my neck crushing out all the words.
I see myself as myself shaking, shaking, shaking the hell out of my baby self.
My skin is cold and wet I’m dead dying to get out of my skin.
Screaming the voices are crowded in my brain causing causing me extreme distress, diarrhea, tears, fears, worries, pain.
My brain is on fire I’m a live wire ready to explode.
Shoot the shit out of my misery.
I want to give the bluest eye a black eye, stupid Mary Jane candies gets stuck in my teeth.
Get me some good ole tasty collard greens, corn bread and sweet tea to wash down the taste of torment as I peer into the looking glass at my soul.
Hollow and fake fragile as porcelain and just as easy to break.
Don’t stop me now I’m on a roll you wanted a story to be told.

Untitled and unfinished, Angee continues

I’m on all fours praying to the porcelain goddess. Retching up my guts from being drunk on self-hate, self mutilation, date rape, spouse abuse, drug misuse ughhhhh! I vomit into the toilet bowl.

I’m on the banks of the river Nile; Isis protectively holds back my locs from my face as I purge my body of all its dis-ease. Transformed into Hathor balancing gingerly on wobbly knees. Spewing tumors and cancer, venereal disease, AIDS, plagues escape my lips.

I’m deep in the delta, back weary hands calloused and I see a hand with a bullwhip hovering above me. Damn, this is the slave history in me. So I lock my knees and brace my body for the whip. As my skin is being broken I pray to the goddess of the fertile ground let my blood nourish you. Strengthen you so that you might grow rumble and quake shaking all this misery away.

I vomit up the sun rise and shit out the moon. I am the b-i-t-c-h that rides the Milky Way on a broom. At the moment of my pleasure waves lick at the seashore, birds flutter through the air. Orgasmic volcanic eruptions hot loving lava stream forth. Earth quaking erotic moans of shearing white lighting pleasure emitted with supersonic screams send creatures of the night dizzy. Billions of stars ejaculated my cosmic lover comes. My milk feeds and is consumed by nations of men birthed from a red clay womb. My body is not a tomb to lay rest bodies of war tearing earthly wounds. Gashes dug deeply in my skin men plunder my precious cavity deplete me of natural resources.

Carrying the weight of our world on my shoulders, I carry the weight of its pain on my back. I strap a baby on my back as if it were a lithe nap sack. I am woman, am mother, am a clever creature with a baby as a nap sack. Truth be told I’m as old as the rivers as wide as the seas. I am mother to the trees swift are the licks I strike out a lash of sweet summers breeze as easy as I please.

This is from a writing exercise to promote healing for DV survivors I decided to share. This blog is a space for my transformation where I can express me.

Trouble

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 18:16:00 +0000

Today I Made the decision to get my son back. Three yrs. ago I let my son go live with his father. At the time I was going through some stuff mentally, financially, emotional craziness withe my man. I was just crazy so my son and his father had been putting the idea of a shared living arrangement out there. So out of sheer frustration, mental exhaustion and no back up I let my son go. This is a decision that i regret every minute of everyday. I feel as if I've abandon my son. I know his father loves him, but his motives for having our son live with him I question. He recently told Coree that he can't move until he's 18yrs old. My ex-husband is known for being a manipulator,liar and bully. I don't like to interact with him because every time turns out bad for me. My man is no help plus he's another story. So I'm hoping this will go smoothly and Coree will move back home.

DISCONNECTED

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 19:40:00 +0000

Main Entry: dis·con·nect·ed
Function: adjective
Date: 1783
: not connected : separate; also : incoherent

— dis·con·nect·ed·ly adverb
— dis·con·nect·ed·ness noun

I borrowed this word from another Blog.

We were connected in the beginning our goals, dreams and kisses.

Goals became jobs

Jobs turn into careers.

Dreams weave into wishes and kisses are now sneers.

We are now disconnected in the end our goals, dreams and kisses.

Thank the GODS its friday

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 14:23:00 +0000

First this PMS ain't no joke!
I'm sitting at my desk about to cry I'm so emotional right now I scare myself.
Today is a teachers institution day basically no school.
So Anise is at home (my 17y/o high school Senior) and she got friends over.
Ken her father is having a hissy fit-"why they got to come over here?"
This is the same argument every time she has guest.
We just moved into this very nice duplex and I arranged it so that the kids are downstairs and we're up.
Every other place we've had he had turned into his office living room dine area our bedroom.
So now at 17 she can have a little company over, Don't see the problem.
He makes my ass itch with all his complaining about her company.
He has an office upstairs close the door.
I'm at the point were I sick of always trying to make him comfortable.
His office that is fully furnished (we ain't got a living room couch yet)doesn't have a TV. So him and his laptop are parked in front of my closet door, I got to climb around his big yellow ass to get dressed.
So we got cable this f*&8er was using my massage table as a desk downstairs.
My plan was to go into the Spa business with my sister but plans change when I had to go back to being a nurse full time his business took a slump.
Well I'm not going to stop the kids from enjoying what little they have left of their childhood. FUCK HIM

HOLLOWE'eN

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 19:33:00 +0000

Today is trick or treat day there's a party in the office.

pot luck I was in got 5$ on chicken group.
I get asked where's your costume:

WHAT
<

Don't play with me, they know dang on well I don't do costumes.
Plus I already announced I'm not in the mood today.
So happy Halloween you ghost and ghouls

ALL HALLOWS SAMHAIM ALL HALLOW'S EVE HALLOWEEN THE GREAT SABBAT ALL SOULS DAY DIA DE LOS MUERTOS HALLOW E'eN

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 21:08:00 +0000

http://www.ucc.ie/fecc/samhain.html A spirit night borrowing from many different traditions I've come up with my own celebration. Honoring relatives that have made an impact in my life. My father Edward Eugene Williamson 1947 - 1972 rest in peace DADDY. My great-uncle Nelson L. Alston 1923 - 1995 the man who raised me taught me how to be a stubborn bitch. Also how to face adversity with a smile.

My auntie Bonnie Lynn Smith 1957 - 2006 she blessed me with a calmness.If there is a heaven she's there.
My papa Robert Jones Jr. he give me my work ethic no matter what the job do it well. In memory I honor them for their strengths, wisdom, grace, and love. I'll eat a snickers for my uncle, drink a Lil gin for papa and read the Bible for my aunt. For my Daddy I'll just be still, holding a space in my heart of hearts for him.

MYSELF

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 15:49:00 +0000

I was in the shower thinking I'm not myself.
I'm not the woman i want to be.
I question myself in my relationship with my man.
I'm feeling through with this self and longing for another.
my normal, healthy, or sane condition?
What sane condition I wear insanity panties wedged in my ass.

myself

Main Entry: my·self
Pronunciation: \mī-ˈself, mə-, Southern also -ˈsef\
Function: pronoun
Date: before 12th century
1 : that identical one that is I —used reflexively
, for emphasis
, or in absolute constructions
2 : my normal, healthy, or sane condition

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 17:12:00 +0000

Thank the GODS it is Friday.

If I have to talk to one more stupid woman, who doesn't know that her pussy is for more than fucking I'll SCREAM - WAKE UP! thanks spike.

That felt good.

One good thing is today is SCIFI Friday channel 244, yes I am a scifi junkie.

Stargate Atlantis Ronan Dex how sweet it is how sweet he is.

http://stargate.mgm.com/stills.php?series_id=2&season=4&episode=4#

PART TWO BLUES

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 19:57:00 +0000

5 Chiastolite has been used since ancient times for protection.
It transmutes conflict into harmony and dispels negative thoughts and energies.
Some uses of Chiastolite include:
Psychic protection
Grounding
Strengthen any chakra
Overcome feelings of loneliness, isolation or depression
Protection for travellers
Gateway to mysteries and out of body travel
Enhances the energy of prosperity stones

I've chosen five stones with one as a protector the Chiastolite. The stones are to be put into a bag and carried on your person. Because the need was due to depression I also suggested that he carry his stones in a yellow bag:

The shade of yellow determines the meaning. Pure, bright and sunny yellow is the easiest color to see. People who are blind to other colors can usually see yellow. Yellow is full of creative and intellectual energy. Always use yellow note pads.
Yellow symbolizes wisdom. Yellow means joy and happiness. People of high intellect favor yellow. Yellow daffodils are a symbol of unrequited love. Sunday's color is yellow-gold.
Yellow Energy
Like the energy of a bright sunny day, yellow brings clarity and awareness. The shade of yellow determines its effect: Yellow-green can mean deceit, and creates a disoriented feeling. Orange-yellow imparts a sense of establishment. Clean light yellow clears the mind, making it active and alert.
Put some yellow in your life when you want:
clarity for decision-making
relief from 'burnout', panic, nervousness, exhaustion
sharper memory and concentration skills
protection from lethargy and depression during dull weather

or purple:
Color Purple - Violet

Purple is the color of good judgment. It is the color of people seeking spiritual fulfillment. It is said if you surround yourself with purple you will have peace of mind. Purple is a good color to use in meditation.
Purple has been used to symbolize magic and mystery, as well as royalty. Being the combination of red and blue, the warmest and coolest colors, purple is believed to be the ideal color. Most children love the color purple. Purple is the color most favored by artists. Thursday's color is purple.
Violet is the color of purpose. Violet is associated with the Crown chakra (This links individual and universal).
Violet Energy
Violet is a combination of blue and red. Red is a focusing, dynamic and active energy while blue is cooling, calming and expansive. Violet brings a new dynamic to the expansion of blue and the activity of red. Red brings practicality to the undirected expansiveness of the blue, and allows more creative energy to emerge. For this reason, violet is associated with imagination and inspiration.
Violet is an important energy for those who use blue and indigo skills in the psychic field. The red in violet offers a grounding effect.
Put some violet in your life when you want:
to use your imagination to its fullest
to re-balance your life
to remove obstacles
to calm over activity or to energize from depression

The Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 19:17:00 +0000

My brother called about being depressed and suffering from depression since high school. I work with a few non-tradition healing methods so he wanted some advise. First I told him to get up and exercise, because this causes good blood flow and getting O2 into the blood cells which improves your health. No he said, "I want something for lazy people." Well I thought about it one reason he's feeling so lazy is due to the depression which is only acerbated by the lack of exercise. So I've started with helping his emotional state with Bach flower essence:

Depression.
Mustard: Helps you when you feel suddenly depressed for no reason. It feels like a cold dark cloud have destroyed all happiness and cheerfulness.
Elm: You get overwhelmed by your work overload and feel depressed and exhausted.
Sweet Chestnut: Helps you when the anguish is too great and seem to be unbearable. Your mind r body feels as if it had bore to be the uttermost limit of its endurance. It feels as there is nothing but destruction and annihilation left to face.
Willow: Helps you when you have suffered adversity or misfortune and find it difficult to accept. You feel sorry for yourself and are grumble and sulky.
Gorse: Feeling hopeless and pessimistic
Gentian: Due to set-back and for known reason.

How to take the Bach Flower Remedies?
Dilute two drops* of the remedy in a glass of water and sip at intervals (*4 drops for Rescue Remedy)
For multiple use add two drops of each chosen remedy (no more than seven) to a 30 ml bottle, top up with mineral water and take four drops at least four times a day
If necessary the Bach Flower Remedies can be dropped neat onto the tongue, or rubbed onto the lips, behind the ears, or on the temples and wrists
Bach Flower Remedies can be used as often as desired. In a crisis you may need only one dose but for a continuing emotional problem you can take them for as long as needed

I myself frequently use Bach rescue remedies.

Next I suggested gemstone healing;

1 Healing properties of Ametrine
Ametrine is very helpful in getting rid of depression. This leads to inner peace and tranquility.
Many believe that it contains the powers of amethyst and citrine in one stone, making it a very powerful money stone as well as an excellent via to higher psychic awareness and spiritual enlightenment.
VERY RARE POWER STONE.

2 Tangerine Calcite wand(1-1 1/2" long)
Orange Calcite properties
Orange Calcite can be used to get positive energy moving in the areas of sexuality, and creativity. Orange Calcite has strong energizing and cleansing properties.
Balances emotions
Removes fear
Overcomes depression
Dissolves problems standing in the way of achieving your best potential

3 Obsidian helps to protect the very sensitive against depression. It is the stone of the soft hearted and gentle people of the world. Use obsidian to help block negativity of any kind. As a black gemstone, it symbolizes self control and resilience. Black stones have protective energies in the sense that black is the absence of light, and therefore, can be used to create invisibility.

I absolutely love Obsidian!

4 Healing properties of Smokey Quartz
Smokey Quartz is connected with the sounds of the universe. It makes you more aware of sounds including telepathic sounds. Smokey Quartz helps relieve depression.

BACK TO SCHOOL

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 18:33:00 +0000

I have decided to go back to school. I vowed never to go back for a BSN but things change. I've been giving alot of thought to the course my life is taking. My job is OK I get to blog at work. I'm a planner so I thought what is it that I want to do.Not what everyone else thinks I should do. So I really want to travel to Africa-South Africa and Tanzania. Work more with women's health especially Black women. Work to make changes in my community with teaching and programming. I've decided to return to school for my BSN focus on community health nursing. There are three schools with a program that might suit me Depaul, North Park University and Uof I. Next would be a masters either in Global health or International health then PhD a total of 10yrs. of school. By then I'll be 50 no kids at home ready to travel and work as I will. But I'm I prepared to be on my own? I've never been alone in my adult life 2 kids 2marriages 2divorces 1shack-up with my ex( 1st. Husband ) It's a comfortable relationship not a loving or caring one we just live together.

I think about if I had to give myself relationship advice would I be honest. Would I take my own advise? No probably not, not now I just couldn't. But first things first I'm going back to school.

MAIDEN MOTHER CRONE

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 21:55:00 +0000

Now is the time for change the season is fall or autumn if you like. Ground yourself to mother earth plant your feet breath roots down to her core. In your seat connect with her woman to woman your core connected with a coiling rope to the earth’s core. Breathe deeply expanding your belly. This is the moment for change breathe deep C-H-A-N-G-E want you to open your EARS, can you hear it, concentrate listen for the changes in your life. Listen to the changes in your life, hear yourself change- from a girl to a woman, from single to couple or vise-verse, change from sad to glad, I’m alive, from job to jobless. L-I-S-T-E-N, B-R-E-A-T-H, C-H-A-N-G-E, stay grounded. This is also the time when things change a Lil slower, night comes sooner, the day is shorter, the air is crisp and clean, enjoy this change to a quieter season L-I-S-T-E-N, can you hear your change

WHAT WORLD DO I LIVE

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 20:58:00 +0000

What world do I live in? This is the question that has been on my mind for days. Sunday I traveled downtown with by daughter for some shopping. On our way back by EL-train a group of about 5-6 black youth were also on the train. One had bought a pair on green and white Nike shoes each boy had a wad of bills. I told my daughter these are the same boys we saw begging for donations for baseball uniforms for their team. Nice hustle I don't frown on any entrepreneurship. So out come the dice and the nasty language not acceptable. I wanted to say something to them about gambling in public can cost you a night in jail or stop all that cuss 'in. But I was afraid I was afraid of a group of 12 maybe 14 year old black boys. What world do I live in when I fear children ? I saw beautiful young black men imagining what they'd look like as men. But a truly was afraid if I opened my mouth what anger and violence would I meet? So today I thought about a nursery rhyme me and my brother did in Feb about Lil black boys and girls. I'd like to share it with anyone who'll read it help me sort out the madness-what world do I live in?

What are you made of?

If Lil black girls are made of attitude,skin tight clothes and NAPPY hair. Then LITTLE black boys are made of crack cocaine,future gangsta rap lyrics and shoot outs,right? If little black girls are made out to be sexual objects, future crack fiends and baby momma drama. Then little BLACK boys are made of,future crack dealers and dead beat dads. If little black GIRLS are made of being the future hoes, bust downs AND shorties Then LITTLE black boys are made out to be the future pimps and killers. What are you made out of? If little blacks girls are the next"America's top model," and little BOYS are the next,"Lebron James," of the world. Then who will be the doctors,lawyers,team owners, bankers, presidents, mothers,fathers,sisters, and brothers then what will they be? if our eyes are the windows to our souls. Then turn off the TVs. because if they control your eyes, they can control your souls. Protect our children!

Response

What I'm made of!

This LIL black girl is made of thank-you and please, shorts that came to her knees and pressing combed hair, occasionally some braids with beads. That Lil BLACK boy is made of cap'n crunch and hip hop lyrics and shoot outs with the latest video game craze, right? If black girls are made out to be Afrikan queens, future freedom fighters and mothers of our dreams. Then Lil black boys are made of, future proud parents to be. If Lil black girls are made to be the future mothers of black man's seed, soul mates and girlfriends. Then Lil black boys are made out to be gentleman and providers of their communities. What are you made of? Of Lil black girls are the next "Builders of a nation," ( not aired yet still looking for an acceptable station) and lil black boys are the next "Malcolm X," OF THE WORLD. then WHO WILL BE THE PIMPS, HOES, DRUG DEALERS, Gangstarappers, tokens, ballerbabymommadeadbeatdadcrackheadchickenheadN-I-G-G-E-R then what will they be? If our eyes remain shaded behind golden rimmed glasses,the lights will always be out. Because if you can't see the full and complete picture you can't control your destiny. Protect the children-TAKE OFF THE FREAKIN GLASSES.

DESIGNER VAGINA

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 20:50:00 +0000

While reading a free weekly magpaper N'DIGO, I saw an article, "Designer Vagina," by author Hermene D. Hartman. There are four designer procedures the first one - THE REVIRGINIZER ,will made you a new hymen. This is for the holier then thou who believe that an intact hymen means a virgin. The purity and goodness all on a skin tag that will cost 4 to 5 thousand to replace not to mention the complication. Can we as women not be happy with any part or aspect of our bodies. Are men so jealous of our abilities as women that they must control everything? Why would any woman or girl with the money revirginize herself so that a man can have the pleasure of de-virginizing her.
That piece of skin will never make you a virgin only a liar and a hypocrite. The hymen serves no medical purpose, but if replaced incorrectly it can be so tight that sex is painful. OUCH!

VAGINAL REJUVENATION will tighten up your loose twat. In the article it was explained as a loose feeling associated with childbirth. I have never heard any women after having a baby talk about her loose vagina. But men are always talking about the size, shape depth of pussy. Well now for 8 G's you can get your snap back. The only risk is you might end up with two assholes shit coming out your honey pot. I'll explain again risk are scarring, pain, dysfunctional urinary tract, an uncontrolled bowel and feces exiting the vagina. I am a true believer in vaginal health and maintenance. The vagina floor can become weakened over time for whatever reason and maintenance is necessary. Try kegel exercising ask your gyne for instructions or try egg exercises read,"Healing love through the Tao cultivating female sexual energy." p180-204.

G-SPOT AMPLIFICATION physically raise(swell) the elusive G-spot, resulting in more enjoyment. With an injection of collagen your spot can increase in size from a peanut to a walnut. WOW! Question if the G-spot is elusive where is the collagen injected? But no worry no risk no adverse effect it lasts four-to-six months. So if you've never had an orgasm now is your chance. Why not masturbate for free get a mirror explore your vagina buy some toys experiment. Save yourself 1,800 per shot.

THE DESIGNER LASER LABIOPLASTY for 6500 you can turn that ugly ass pussy of yours into a super model. This is purely a cosmetic procedure for ugly pussy. How many times have you hid in shame because your date commented on how fat, uneven and ugly your cunt is. This is a problem that millions of women suffer from being shamed into wearing granny panties.

I agree with Ms Hartman,"Upscale, urbane women have a tendency to want designer everything, but this is taking a fashion statement a bit too far."

Shoe me!

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 17:10:00 +0000

I got an email this morning from sole lounge a shoe boutique here in Chicago. I've been shopping there for about 2 years now. I'm proud to say that I support Black owned businesses. Well I picked these three so far, I like fun and funky footwear. I'm a self confessed SHOE FREAK ! The first because of the studs and it looks like I might be able to get my big ass calves down in there. Why do they make the boot shaft so small ? A bony chick can not rock a boot the way a big bone can. (can I get an amen) The next shoe sock boot thingy is something I can definitely play with. My better half will flip out because he can be

such a tight butt sometime. What the hell! my feet, my money, wait my feet,his money. This

last one I was on the fence red;( I have a problem with Black people and red shoes. We shouldn't wear red shoes especially our men folk our African and Caribbean cousins either.

I might have to break down it's got a peak toe SEXY. I can see my feet in those shoes walking in the office. Yes I'd wear them to work I'd rock those bad boys with a pant suit the new ones with

the cropped sleeve jacket. A silky blouse with just a hint of clev,would blow their Lil jcpenny, K mart, Gap shopping mindssssssss.

Bored

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 18:23:00 +0000

Where will I go from here? I've decided to stay at my present job for another 3 yrs. I'd like to go back to school but can't make up my mind for what. I feel like I'm caught in a web or stuck in fog. I try writing but have no training, so one of my goals is to take a writers course. I love to read fiction, nonfiction, sci-fi, fantasy, auto bio, African-American studies, women's studies, women's health, metaphysical, hoodoo, vodou, tarot, cook books, magazines, youth fantasy books like the golden compass, eragon, poetry, self published zines, pamphlets, novels bought at summer fest. Stories out of my kids school books, books off their reading list. Blogs reading blogs I'm blogging now at work plus reading others I'll loss my job when they check my activity. Sometimes I get tired of the BS people looking over my shoulder. I'm a grown ass woman being treated like a child this ain't my first job. Enough about my tired ass work environment. What am I going to do with myself? Jill Scott CD released today hooray hooray!!!!

Bags bags and more bags Kooba me!

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 17:48:00 +0000

music for Mis.understood

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 20:50:00 +0000

Common and Nina plus shots of Chi-town happy, happy, joy,joy. I heard the intro Nina caught my ear immediately. After listening to the song a dozen times. I down loaded the ring tone at home I put in Nina Simone's original cut and let it play and play. I first got turned on to Nina with "I need a lil suga in my bowl," after that I was hooked, BABY! Common has always been a favorite even when he was hoodooed by Badu and going south on Mr.West's nut sack. The boy is bad I got to give him that, plus he mixed in shots of CHICAGO in his video. Well everything comes full circle my path, my blog. I feel misunderstood most of the time by co-workers, friends, family, Strangers. I wanted to blog for release maybe I'd get some understanding through my blog - Misunderstood. It's so frustrating having people make judgements about me all the time. They look at me and think just by a glance they know me and what I'm about. Hell, after all these years I'm still learning about me and what I'm about. I want to be left alone and be able to be myself, enjoy being me. I'm tired of the stupid questions - What are you, answer, "I'm my momma and my daddy," Why you got dreads, how you wash yo hair? you don't eat pork ain't you a christian? Where you from you sound like you from down south, you country? You just don't look the type. She one of those stuck up bitches. You think you white. Why do you have to wear all that Afrocentric stuff? You got a hole in your nose any where else? Why yo son hair so long, cut that boy's hair it ain't natural, he looks like a girl. You look puerto rican? STOP, STOP, let me off the short bus people. This is everyday for me the stares, the awkward questions, the assumptions. Baby bye. Just listen and watch this very, I say very fine ass brother work his craft.

Watching

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 17:05:00 +0000

It is unnatural the attraction I have to wombmyn. How I peep at the way the southern parts sway, it is an unnatural attraction that makes me this way. I'm happy in my gender wide hips, full lips, fuzzy hair capable of carrying seed. But I find myself sneaking a peak at the perkiness of breast the sexiness of a calf in a spiked high heel leather strappy strings lacing up to the knees g-o-r-g-e-r-o-u-s to me. What makes me appreciate the glorious image of Venus, the queenly profile of Nzinga, the tight ass of JLo. Unnatural is the attraction I can not look. Wrapped heads bald heads straighten or loc, indigo blu, black, neon pink, bloody red heads. I just glance take a peek at the sheer beauty of the rainbow. I like to watch. I make judgements in my mind it's the disintegration of our movement of a joint integration of our kind.

Moved

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 17:48:00 +0000

We've moved into a very nice duplex from a very very small basement apartment. Anyone in their right mind would feel as if they've moved up. But a don't feel at home it doesn't feel permeate, no security. I felt more at home in our old 4 room basement apartment. You'd think I've finally got what I wanted a nice place to live room for my kids to spread out. But it's not my home. We sleep together back to back. When he goes to shower I read his text messages - can i have some money to get my hair done for my birthday or How horny she is? I haven't been horny in about 3-4 years. Going through the motions of a relationship funny what the mind and body are capable of. Just Saturday he was talking about our wedding how it would be in Egypt. When he's been drinking and feeling good boy, do the fantasies happen. The next morning drunk and hung-over he was the spittin demon I know him to be. But I was just thinking how not at home I feel.

PATHES

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 21:17:00 +0000

Is it a sin to want more out of life?
The story goes as the truth unfolds that the black man was the first man. Born from the linage of Abraham from the clan of Ham. Is the dinosaur dying in a earthquake lying or Darwin's evolutionary chimps carnival show gimps? One mans truth is another man's lie. A tooth for a tooth an eye for an eye doesn't make much sense because in this man's war we all DIE.

Walking the path straight and narrow

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 21:38:00 +0000

How do I change my path?
Can you cause a river to flow backward or sideways?
Maybe, so can I change my path?
Questions to my answers, answers to my questions?
As I walk my path, travel on my life's journey, sail the ship on the ocean of life. No journey is without peril no ones path is straight. How do i change my path?
Go back into myself, can I be reborn? The ship doesn't sail without a captain. Can I trust myself to be lead can I be a leader?
What is so special about the path, why is the journey so important?
Questions to my answers, answers to my questions?
aM i WEARING MY SKIN INSIDE OUT! what protects me as I journey?
I find unfound secrets, mystery inside history inside herstory. Who changed their path and why? Is the ability to cause change divine or mine?

letter to my better half

noreply@blogger.com (Mae B.) — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 19:33:00 +0000

I maybe a fool for you but I'm not stupid. I now you have someone else and that you have your affairs. You pretty much said so when I asked "Is there someone else more agreeable to your situation." You said nothing not "no" you just didn't answer OK, I understand. I'm not going to talk about it, so you don't have to deny it. I'm not going to take the blame or be ashamed again it's not going to be my fault. But it's stupid to pretend I don't know, haven't seen the signs of another woman. But you're not going to blame me.You can tell her what you want about me too get justification and she'll be agreeable it's called "ego" If I'm wrong about all this then I apologize. But of I'm right don't blame me because it's not my fault.